it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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