I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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