Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
