So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
