Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
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