When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
