We won't sleep together?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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