Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
