Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
