I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
