So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
