My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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