I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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