my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
