Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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