someone threw a dead crab at me
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
