So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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