Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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