I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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