i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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