just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
