dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
