During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You're a waste of cheezeits
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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