Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
