Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
