The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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