I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
NoShamevember. You game?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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