Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
