I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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