I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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