I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
