I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
