You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Couch. On fire.
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