i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
