Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
