No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
