One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
