You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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