Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
