hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Houston, we have a squirter
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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