She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse