I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
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he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
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