The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
