i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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