I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
