I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
