Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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