What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
