Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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