Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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