Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
