then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
