she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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