my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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