Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
