shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
