She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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