High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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