he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
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Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
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I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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