when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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