how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
im holly from the hills drunk
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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