dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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