One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
