One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
