I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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