My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
