White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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