it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
